Would Establish Cabinet-level ‘Hair Club for America’
HOUSTON (The Borowitz Report) – Spelling out what is likely to be a key theme in his bid for the Presidency, Texas Governor Rick Perry told an audience in Houston today that as President he would establish universal hair care for all Americans.
In his first major policy address, Gov. Perry singled out “bad hair” as the principal cause of the country’s problems, from jobs to crime to the national debt.
“Let’s say you try to get a job,” Mr. Perry told his audience. “The first thing the employer will notice is if your hair is droopy and lifeless, and the next thing you know we have nine percent unemployment.”
“Since you didn’t get the job, you then go out and steal stuff and don’t pay taxes,” he said. “And so we have rising crime and debt, all of which could have been fixed with a simple shampoo and cut.”
Gov. Perry said that as President he would establish a Cabinet-level “Hair Club for America,” which would provide every man, woman and child in the country with a Federally mandated twenty hours of hairstyling per year.
“If America is going to stay competitive with China and India, our hair is going to have to look a lot better than it does now,” he said.
Gov. Perry’s hair-driven solutions to the country’s problems drew praise from audience members, including car salesman Tracy Klugian from Beaumont.
“I think Gov. Perry definitely has the hair to solve our country’s problems,” he said. “I didn’t feel that way about Trump.”
Elsewhere, Rep. Michele Bachmann proposed a new program to prepare America for the coming Rapture, called No Christian Left Behind. Pre-order Andy Borowitz’s new book today and save 42%