SATIRE: Syrian Dictator Bashar al-Assad Sends an Email to President Obama

Sunday, April 3, 2011

THE RUBIN REPORTS

By Barry Rubin

The following email was recently received by the White House:

Dear President Obama:

My name is Bashar al-Assad. Not long ago my father died and left me an entire country in his will. It is a very valuable property but I am trying to market it internationally. If you would be willing to help I can promise that you will be richly rewarded.

I really want to develop good commercial relations with the West and get rid of my troublesome ally, Iran. In addition, I want to make peace with Israel and stop supporting terrorism. I would even like to make reforms in my country so that it can be a peaceful and happy democracy.

But I need your help. Please send me a U.S. ambassador without preconditions; ignore my backing for killing your troops in Iraq; overlook my backing for Hamas and Hizballah in killing Israelis; forget about my terrorism in Lebanon, including the murder of former prime minister Rafiq Hariri; shove into the memory hole my massive daily production of anti-American propaganda; have your officials including the secretary of state say nice things about me at the precise moment that I’m shooting down demonstrators and torturing dissidents; and send me people like Senator John Kerry who will believe everything I tell them.

If you do this and one other thing, we can be great friends and I’m willing to give you a lot of policy support; break with Tehran; and be a force for peace, love, and harmony in the Middle East.

That one other thing is so minor it’s hardly worth mentioning. OK. Here it is:

Send $5 billion in small-denomination currency to PO Box 1970, Secret Police Station, Damascus, Syria. When the money is received, I will deliver all the promised gifts to you and throw in a free eye exam for you and Michelle.

Don’t hesitate as this is a limited-time offer.

Sincerely yours,

Bashar al-Assad, ophthalmologist, Internet fan, political reformer, former Londoner (Go Chelsea!), and president of Syria.

Posted by Barry Rubin at 10:13 PM

__________________

Note:  Real Americans Defend Israel would like to take a shot at responding to al-Assad's Email, so here goes:

 FROM THE DESK OF

THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

BARAK HUSSEIN OBAMA

My dear brother Bashar:

Your letter is an inspiration to me and I shed tears reading about your wish to reform your country.  How I can sympathize with the task that lays before you, as I am in the process of doing the same here in America.  I know how difficult it is to control crowds of demonstrators; I have my time with a group calling themselves the "Tea Pary".  I would like to have a party for them and send them all to the moon, but NASA is busy handling my PR for the Muslim world community, so that wish will be delayed, but Allah willing, perhaps they will simply disappear before next elections.

I plan to leave my daughters what is left of this country when I am through dismantling the Constitution, so perhaps we should chat and you can tell me more about how a father leaves his children an entire country.  Do you use Google, or Live chat? Skype is okay, if that is more convenient for you.

I hope you aren't fearful that I would ask you to "step down" as to your reasons for promising to make peace with Israel.  Why bother attempting that now, when I see the Muslim Brotherhood is about to take over Egypt; Hamas and Hezibollah can distract the Israelis long enough to perhaps wipe Israel off the map once and for all; or, maybe we could give all the Jews a one way ticket to the moon along with those pesky Tea Party members.

Forget those rumors that I am bankrupting America with both my domestic and foreign policies.  I control the purse strings and will have no trouble sending Hillary on Air Force One to hand-deliver a check in the amount you requested.  Is $5 BILLION DOLLARS enough, or do you need more?  We have fooled the Congress into thinking our gifts to Hamas/Gaza and the Palestinians are merely humanitarian aid and no one made a peep when Hillary delivered $940 MILLION DOLLARS to the PA's in Gaza, under the rule of Hamas.

Let me know if there is anything else I can help you with and don't forget to let me know which chat room I can find you in.  My code name in Google Chat is "Liar in Chief" and as one dictator to another, we know that our word is not our bond, so the nickname is fitting!

Sincerely,

B.O.

______________________