THE BOROWITZ REPORT
AUGUST 8, 2011
Company Could Be in for Downgrade of its Own, Experts Say
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – Just days after downgrading the credit rating of the United States, Standard & Poor’s was on high alert this morning after an unmanned Predator drone was seen hovering over its headquarters in lower Manhattan.
While the mission of the Predator was unclear, some insiders speculated that S & P might be in for a downgrade of its own.
The Predator appeared in the skies above the company’s headquarters minutes after it was rumored that S & P was about to downgrade the United States to the same status as Pluto.
As a so-called “dwarf nation,” the U.S. would no longer be accorded the same respect as a recognized country like France or Brazil, one S & P source said: “Basically, the United States would be considered a social network with parking.”
At the White House, President Obama offered no comment on the Predator’s mission, saying only, “The Predator is an effective weapon against the enemies of the United States of America.”
He did offer apologies for what he called “an accidental Predator missile strike” over the weekend at a golf course in Virginia which narrowly missed Rep. Eric Cantor (R-VA).
In other financial news:
– In an effort to find a safe haven, rattled investors fled the dollar today and moved their money into Groupons.
– In one rare bright spot on Wall Street, manufacturers of red ink posted record profits.
– And finally, Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner explained his decision to remain at the U.S. Treasury: “I didn’t want to look for a job – it’s fucking scary out there.” Save a whopping 42% by pre-ordering the new Andy Borowitz book!
