MAY 11, 2011
ISTAPUNDIT
by Bill Levinson
A U.S. delegation consisting of President Barack Obama, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, Navy Secretary Ray Mabus, and Admiral Gary Roughead will make an emergency visit to Cape Sounion in Greece to apologize for burying Osama bin Laden’s body at sea.
It was revealed that the State Department received a very strongly worded complaint along with thinly veiled threats of retaliation against the United States Navy. Although it is generally not the policy of the United States to respond to any threat, the Administration felt it prudent to resolve this dispute amicably.
“We can explain, Sir,” Hillary stammered. “The Navy SEALs began to dig a hole for Osana bin Laden’s body when your brother Hades appeared. ‘The ground belongs to me,’ the god of the Underworld warned, ‘and if you put THAT anywhere in my realm, your country’s miners and oil workers will go to work tomorrow to find barren rock and empty wells. Anything that uses natural gas–that belongs to me too–will experience one giant sucking sound.’”
“Then the SEALs got a can of gasoline and began to pour it on Osama bin Laden’s body. Your brother Zeus appeared and proclaimed, ‘If one single whiff of that reaches Olympus, I’ll rain so many lightning bolts on your country that every electronic device that’s not connected to a surge protector, and even some that are, will be lumps of melted silicon within the hour.’ The SEALs figured that the ocean is such a big place that nobody would notice…”
“The Gulf oil spill was almost big enough for me to notice,” Poseidon roared, “but I can remediate most forms of pollution. My E-mail system has however just been overwhelmed with outraged complaints from tens of millions of dolphins, various sea nymphs and Nereids, and countless more of my subjects. As a matter of fact, five of your own attack submarines complained about being in the same water with that…” the angry sea god added a long series of unprintable expletives that would have made the most hardened bosun’s mate cringe.
“I therefore demand that you propitiate me,” Poseidon continued. “Go to my temple in Sounion to bow and scrape in front of one of my statues.”
“President Obama is good at bowing and scraping, so that works for us.”
“All right, then, we’ll call it a square deal. Let me ask, though, why you didn’t just mummify bin Laden’s carcass and display it in your Smithsonian Institute or something like that? Then you would not have offended the earth, sea, or air.”
“The SEALs were about to do that when a bunch of Egyptian gods showed up…”
