By William Kevin Stoos
-Satire-
Back from a futile month-long search for Al Gore, seeking an explanation from the Almost President as to how the longest, coldest winter in recorded history squares his theories on Global Warming, Hugh settled into his office at the International Headquarters of the Stoos Views Media Conglomerate in sunny Wynstone, South Dakota—where the air is clean, the crime is low, the people vote red, and the centre still holds.
Hugh, the most trusted name in news, Chief of the Government Oversight Bureau of Stoos Views, a man who walks with kings and princes (unlike Obama, bowing to none), and who has the trust of both sides of the aisles in Congress, noticed something disturbing in his mail box.
It was a PAST DUE notice from the local water department. It seems that the check he sent via first-class mail to the local water department—three miles from his office—took seven days to get there, resulting in a notice from the utilities department that could result in the shut off of water service to the Stoos Views Headquarters. More disturbing still, were the headlines in his local paper about proposed changes in the postal service. A man of action, with connections that would make the CIA blush, Hugh jumped into action. He booked a direct flight to Foggy Bottom to meet with the head Hancho at the Postal Service, Postmaster General John Potter.
Although Hugh’s flight was delayed due to another round of Global Warming Residue that battered the east coast, the Postmaster General was happy to clear his schedule and meet with the reporter. Few in D.C. dared to refuse an interview with Betcha—the political repercussions were simply too high.
The Postmaster General greeted Hugh with a hearty handshake and offered him a plush overstuffed leather chair with teak wood arms and gold-plated buttons. The General offered Hugh a brandy and cigar—which Hugh politely refused. The Postmaster General’s majestic office, with teak paneling, expensive classical paintings, and a ten-foot high wine rack, befitting royalty, was impressive indeed. Yet, entirely appropriate for a bureaucrat upon whom Congress lavished over $850,000 in salary, bonuses, retirement benefits and other perks of the job. After all, he had guided his quasi-governmental agency to an impressive $4 billion average loss during the previous two fiscal years under his leadership—lower than most federal agencies.
“How may I help you?” Potter asked graciously as he took another hit from his expensive Cuban cigar.
“Well, I understand that you are considering some big changes,” Hugh said.
“Yes, we are,” the General said with a furrowed brow. “We are going to cut our service to five days, make some adjustments in pay and personnel and streamline the agency. Tough times you know.”
“Evidently, not for you…” Hugh replied, “look at this palace you work in.”
“Well,” the PMG replied, chuckling, “had I been the Chief Executive of Fedex, I would be making $8 or $9 million a year. Had I been the Chief Executive of UPS, I would be making $3 or $4 million a year.”
“Yeah, but there is a difference.”
“How so?”
“Fedex and UPS make money.”
“Well…”
“Had you been the head of one of those private companies you would have been fired. After all, your agency loses on average, $4 billion a year, so how can you justify your nearly one million dollars in compensation?”
“There are two ways of looking at that of course…” he replied.
“How so?”
“Well, if I had not been such a good administrator, the Postal Service would have lost $8 or $9 billion a year—real money—rather than a measly $4 billion a year…”
Trying hard to digest that logic, Hugh continued: “So you are losing money each year, cutting services and increasing the postal rates is that correct?”
“Well, yes, times are tough as I said.”
“How about the FOREVER stamp that we bought for a set price and can use forever, regardless of your cost of delivery or your losses? “
At this, the PMG laughed out loud. “Yeah, about that FOREVER deal. Well, to put it bluntly, nothing is FOREVER. I mean, that is like one of the world’s great lies, you know: ‘I will respect you in the morning; I am from the government and I am here to help you; your check’s in the mail.’ Yeah, FOREVER, that was a good one—glad I thought of that one.”
“You mean we cannot count in the FOREVER stamp either?”
“Yeah, you can, until we decide otherwise.”
“And your mail carriers—I suppose they are going to take a pay cut too?”
“Of course, there must be shared pain here if we are going to get through this crisis.”
“You mean those workers making between $20 and $26 an hour carrying the mail through all sorts of bad weather, fighting off dogs, walking through six feet of Global Warming, you’re going to make them take a cut in pay or benefits?”
“It is inevitable.”
“How about your pay?”
“Of course not, that is set by 
“So what does the future hold for the United States Postal Service?”
“Our future is rosy indeed. In fact, because we are losing less money that some other federal agencies, the President has informed me that he plans to pattern
“How’s that?”
“Well, both USPS and ObamaCare will cost more each year, those who run them (Congress and the bureaucrats) will be paid more for their incompetent performance, and those who provide the services (postal workers and doctors) will be paid less.”
“So what is the good news?”
“The public will get worse service, but less frequently.”
Copyright © 2010 William Kevin Stoos
William Kevin Stoos (aka Hugh Betcha) is a writer, book reviewer, and attorney, whose feature and cover articles have appeared in the Liguorian, Carmelite Digest, Catholic Digest, Catholic Medical Association Ethics Journal, Nature Conservancy Magazine, Liberty Magazine, Social Justice Review, Wall Street Journal Online and other secular and religious publications. He is a regular contributing author for The Bread of Life Magazine in Canada. His review of Shadow World, by COL. Robert Chandler, propelled that book to best seller status. His book, The Woodcarver (And Other Stories of Faith and Inspiration) © 2009, William Kevin Stoos (Strategic Publishing Company)—a collection of feature and cover stories on matters of faith—was released in July of 2009. It can be purchased though many internet booksellers including Amazon, Tower, Barnes and Noble and others. Royalties from his writings go to support the Carmelites. He resides in Wynstone, South Dakota.
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